For an entire year I have effectively ignored it. But then the signs that I should face it started adding up. Tight clothes, not wanting to be caught on film, tight clothes, cringing when seeing pictures of myself.....did I mention tight clothes? :) I often find that not facing things is the way I like to deal with them. You know maybe they will go away if you ignore them. Well that is not the case in this situation. It apparently, without my permission, just kept getting bigger. But I had absolutely no idea how much until last night when I made the simple choice to stand on that stupid, coldhearted scale. What I saw shocked me into action. When I moved to Massachusetts the scale said 120 and that is not what it said last night. I panicked. And I realized that when THEY say you have to hit rock bottom before you do something THEY were right. This is the first time in my life that I have hit rock bottom. And it is a unexpectedly, rejuvinating feeling. I had to really concentrate on the feeling since I did not recognize it.....what is this?.....oh my gosh, it is determination. Wow, I have not felt that in a long time. Hey everyone look at me I am determined!!
First thing I did was march into the kitchen and scold my family members for not telling me I was fat. What kind of friends are they?
Second thing I did was go in the basement and find the purple folder that I knew had a handful of blank calendars sitting in it. Those calenders had been waiting patiently for about 10 years for me to need them. I went upstairs with my calenders and I sharpened a pencil, because everyone knows you can not start something new without a freshly sharpened pencil and then I wrote in black Sharpie on the top of my calendar, "Your mom is fat." Then I filled in all the days in May. Then on each and every day, except Sunday, I wrote "exercise, water, portions." On Sunday it just says, "water and portions." Water means 8 glasses of water and I can cross it off IF I drink my 8 glasses. Exercise means 3 miles everyday PLUS my 30 minute toning video and I can cross it off IF I do it. Portions means....well it basically means portions and I can cross it off IF I recognize the portion size :) Down the side of the calendar I wrote the words, "Carbs are evil."
Then I wrote how much I weighed on the calendar in plain view for everyone who walks in the house and looks on my fridge to see. Then I decided 20 lbs off of that number would be just about perfect and very reasonable. I asked the little, tiny 14 year old who happened to be sitting at the table with me how long she thought it would take me to lose 20 lbs and she went on and on about how she had lost 3 lbs when she started track and then gained it back over spring break....blah, blah, blah. I realized I can not ask a cute, skinny person that question. So in my mind I decided that I want it gone by Labor Day for our annual trip to the beach.
I confess I think I really like being determined :)