"Facebook changes our relationship to the past." I have been thinking about this statement that I recently read in a magazine article about Facebook. I am friends with about 212 people on Facebook. I have a representation from all parts of my life in those 212 friends. I am friends with women who were friends with my mom when I was a teenager. I am friends with loads of classmates from high school in Snohomish. I am friends with people from all the places I have lived, Kansas, New Jersey, Indiana and Massachusetts. I am friends with old roommates from BYU, I am friends with my children, I am even friends with my siblings. I am friends with high school teachers from high school, I am friends with old loves, I am friends with relatives, I am even friends with a few people that I am not even sure I know:)
It has been fun but very surreal to reacquaint myself with all these people that I have always wondered about. So fascinating to have a small glimpse into their "now lives" every time they post something and yet see their past face in my mind as I read their posts. All the colliding of the past with the present has caused me to think way too much. Yes, I know a strange thing for someone who names their blog over thinking everything to be doing huh? :)
I have been constantly thinking about how I really did not get to know most of these people very well. I am interested by how many of my high school friends keep in touch with each other and do things together. It is so cool to see how they truly have grown up together and have known each other through so much. Because I moved around a lot as a kid I did not have that opportunity to have someone who saw me through everything, knew everything about me. I wonder if that is why I long for that now?
You see the past is no longer a distant and somewhat blurry thing full of wonder and speculation it is back in my life very clearly. And I confess I have loved every minute of it. Some of it I fear I have loved too much. It does have a way of pulling you back into feelings you have not felt in years. Insecurities, adolescent anxiety and so much more.
I have been thinking about how my past self and present self do not really know how to behave when they get together. They feel awkward they get confused easily. They have so much to say to the past selves of my friends. I have been known to forget that a lot of life has gone on in 20 plus years when I reacquaint myself with someone. Strange to be searching my mind for memories of these people. Strange to be wanting to see them again because I forgot what they looked like when they smiled at me. It has felt like a roller coaster ride....happiness, regret, what ifs.
I find myself continually amazed that all 212 of them remembered me. Even more amazed when I find out they actually liked me. Which Jennifer did they see? Do they still see her?