Oct 15, 2009

Do You Want To Pick On Her Too?

So today was, "run errand" day. At about 1:30 pm I was on my way home I received a text from my daughter number two who is a senior at the high school. She wanted me to come get her. I looked at the time and knew that school got out at 1:59 pm. I thought for a very short minute about my car that was very full of groceries and how I did not want to unload it all and I decided to pick her up early so I could score myself some slave labor. I had to hurry because getting stuck in high school traffic is a very soul searching experience. She was waiting out front for me and when she got in the car this is what she said to me, "Mom, you know those movies where there is that kid that always gets picked on at school and everyone is mean to them? I replied, "Yeah I know what you are talking about." She said, "that's me." Awwww it just broke my heart. Miriam has really been struggling. I know I am her mom but she really is a nice kid. Her intentions are always good. She had one friend when we first moved here who was a boy, and for reasons unbeknownst to Miriam, it went awry and it has left her with nothing....he took everyone with him. It has been the cause of many tears. It seems like your senior year should be a good year. Are people really still being mean to others when they are seniors? Yea, I know people are still being mean when they are grownups.....real bummer.

So today she was walking up the stairs at school and another Senior boy who she does not even know sprayed water all over the back of her pants so that it looked like she wet her pants and he ran away laughing. Then in one of her classes you had to have a partner review your paper and sign it and no one would review hers for her so she had to beg someone to just simply sign it. I promise I would never do it but I feel like going to school and telling everyone what is what. I just don't get mean people. I can tell you the times I have been mean in my life.

There was Janice in 3rd grade and everyone picked on Janice because she picked her eyelashes and ate them. I feel horrible that I participated in the chasing of Janice on the playground. The squeal she made mesmerized me. I have often felt horrible about this moment in my life and I have often wondered if Janice turned out okay.

There was a grown up lady in one of my wards that just pushed me too far and I shocked myself by fighting back for the first time in my life. I felt mean and within a split second realized it and burst into tears and cried for a very long time.

And there was a girl who I was not mean too I just ignored her and that was not nice at all....so the opposite of not nice is probably.....mean.

Really I think one of my only talents is that I am a nice person. Please feel free to comment if you do not think that is the case...at least then I will get some comments :)

Miriam, daughter number 2, is graduating early in January for this reason. But her decision to do this, as does every life decision, has created a whole another set of problems. Nothing seems clear about what she should do when she graduates.

She officially graduates the end of January which makes it so she can not get into any Mormon church school for winter semester. So she will work at her dad's work for the time being. She and Joe are planning a trip to Hawaii to visit my parents in February during winter break and past those three facts everything is wide open. BYU Hawaii? BYU Idaho? Southern Virginia University? She wants to be different from her two older siblings. She wants to be able to room with her dear friend Nichole who will be at BYU Idaho already. But if she does that she would have to wait a whole year.

I really don't want her to hang around Massachusetts. I have that "mom feeling" that college is just what Miriam needs to help her feel better for awhile. But how it is all going to work out is on my mind a lot. I keep brainstorming with her but the ultimate decisions are hers.

The picture at the top is Miriam and Joe. Doesn't she look harmless? High school was not tough for me. I was ready to go when it was time but I was not dying to go. I had friends. If I was teased I have this small talent for making it into a joke. I feel lost at what advice I should give my three oldest who did not have the high school experience I had. I wish I could make those kids at school see how they make her feel but I can't. It would be so sweet if just once I could tell my kids that they could have control over other people but they can't...not even once.


Bernd and Rachel said...

Those mean, mean kids! I love Miriam-she is the sweetest girl I know. Those are tough things to have happen-I hope that something works out so she can get to BYU. I always thought college was so much better than High School! Hang in there Miriam.

Danielle said...

When I was in school, I was teased off and on. One boy in particular, it started in grade school and didn't let up until H.S. As a result of teasing, I was painfully shy in person. I didn't go outside of my little comfort zone and experience High School because I was convinced that what the people were saying was true. I think if I had any advice at all to give in this situation, it would be to love Miriam and let her know every day that the teasing has no merit. I know it hurts, but all you can do is be there for her and help her through it. Before my 20 year class reunion, I made contact with the main boy that teased me all those years. I told him how he made me feel. He apologized, and it turns out he's quite humbled now. Has a wife and 3 children. I don't have to meet Miriam to know that she's as beautiful on the inside as she is on the out. Just keep being there for her. She'll be ok because you're her Mom.

Oh and Jenny..... you really were nice in High School. I envied your ability to play piano and I just LOVED your curley hair!!!!

C Tam said...

I would echo what Danielle said about how glad I am Miriam has a mom she can talk to! I also went through a few growing up years of living in "rejected status," and thanks to feeling loved by my family through it all, I ended up surviving without becoming a suicidal school shooter (those are the ones who get tormented but DON'T have the supportive parents).

And then yes, there was healing after I came to college. I felt a lot of charity and peace when I realized those mean kids are pretty troubled inside--often they lack examples of empathy in their home lives. So I feel sorry for them. And that may be beyond what Miriam can feel now--but the time will come when she will be grateful for this experience because it is propelling her toward a depth of understanding and maturity she would otherwise take decades to develop. IMHO.

Jillian said...

I transfered to Westfield High my Junior year. My sister had transfered there the semester before b/c she was having social problems at our school and my parents needed someone to drive her, so I made the change> I was popular in our old school, involved, and happy. But when I got to Westfield, I had no friends. Everyone already had their "clicks" and I was just the new girl from montgomery (a farm girl). Status at WHS seemed to e based on your families wealth, and a girl from the hilltowns was not worth knowing. I started helping in the special needs class, it gave me a place to go during study periods and lunches so I wasnt alone. I made some friends that also helped there and got a job working with the special needs students after school. It was a hard 2 years. College was much better. Basically High School Bites! Maybe Miriam could spend her downtime taking some core classes at a community college, that way she is ahead when she starts BYU and is still used to doing homework and what not. Perhaps if she really wanted to she could go out to Idaho and take community college classes. Its easy to find people looking for roommates on craigslist, and she could probably get a part time job babysitting or waitressing or something. Then she can be with Nicole, and could probably attend BYU functions and make friends. Other than that I don't have any other advice. To bad she couldn't serve a mission for year.

the skeans family blog said...

I have to say I totally understand about the whole blog---Stephanie has been back and forth about grad. early. Band "sucks" here...sorry. Girls do not rock as drummers and are not looked at the same as the boys. ergh. But, she is hanging in there for reasons too that are too early to go to byu or what to do in Texas during that time. Shame on those adults who made you miserable (smile) I feel your anger (smile) cheer miriam up for us and know that she will be looked at no matter what. I know her and Stephanie talk little -hopefully they can console each other---Stephanie is blowing out og here asap....

Camie said...

I definitely don't want to pick on her--XOXO to Miriam. Just a few more months until she is outta there! On to bigger and better things for her...you are doing a great job taking care of her!