Nov 13, 2009

Sign Ups Are Happening Now.

Dear Baird Children

I have just done my morning, "walk through" of our house and assessed the damage you have manged to inflict in just a mere 18 hours.....8 of which you were all sleeping. I regret to inform you that there are some mandatory classes you will be enrolled in. Resistance is futile. There are some things that I thought you would just come knowing and that is not the case, you are actually all defective. Since I have lost the receipts from when I purchased you and can not return you it is clear we must have a little intervention. So please take note of the classes you are REQUIRED to attend. If you do not attend them I will no longer fix your dinner, drive you everywhere on the planet and deal with your daily dramas.

Getting to know your towel.

This class is not just about your common everyday dry towel it is also about your wet towel. Wet towels have some preferences and it is well worth your time to figure out what those preferences are. So come learn how to either; hang up your wet towel or...gasp...put that wet towel in the laundry. This class will be held in the upstairs bathroom.

Appreciating Your Hangers.

You may have thought they were just for untwisting, straightening out and using to cook marshmallows over a fire but in this class you will be shocked to discover the other lesser known use for these devices found hanging in your closet. Please bring your own kleenex because in this class we will be exploring how shirts, skirts, pants and dresses feel inside when they are laying on the floor getting trampled on. This class will be held in Miriam's closet.

Closing The Top To The________. (insert favorite cardboard box item you daily open here)

A previous and working knowledge of air and hands is required for this class. In this class we will practice inserting the tab into the little slot convienently located on the top of the cardboard boxes. This skill will be useful anywhere you go since most people who purchase groceries have some of these cardboard boxes in their home. This class will be held in the kitchen.

What to do with an empty pitcher.

All that is required for this class is thirst. In this hour long class we will practice drinking the contents of the pitcher, learning to recognize the bottom of the pitcher and practicing what to do when you do see the bottom of the pitcher. It will go against everything you feel but you will soon see the brilliance involved behind the skill of, "putting the empty pitcher in the sink", that I will personally teach you in this class. This class will also be held in the kitchen.

Returning The Scissors and Tape.

For this class you will need to provide your own scissors and tape since mine are missing. But when you come be prepared for fun. We will be traveling to every room of the house where we will all sit in that room and cut and tape an item for a school project then we will map the best way to travel from the remote location to the kitchen drawer which is the natural habitat of the scissors and tape.

Ever SO lovingly,
Your director of fun,


Rebecca S. said...

Can I enroll my kids? Would you please also offer how to close cabinets and drawers after finding your desired objects?

Kristy said...

Where can I sign up my kids?

I confess that this mom may also need to attend one or more of these courses ...

Bernd and Rachel said...

Okay-I was ready to tear my hair out this morning over my children doing these SAME things (imagine that!). I'm driving them over for the classes.:) I love it Jenn!

Ackerman/Mejias Family said...

Are the supplies all included in the sign up? Are there group discounts?? Do you take husbands???

Annette said...

I am sitting here among the evidence of how badly my family needs to attend your course. Do you do traveling seminars? Thank you for the laugh; its sso good to know I'm not alone!

Anonymous said...

I really think I need to be enrolled in some of these classes... are out of house students accepted? Josh would really appreciate it : )

Danielle said...

I had missed this one... I keep telling you, you really aught to write a book. I would imagine that passing the classes before moving on to the next is expected.

Sarah said...

I laughed so hard! You are so clever!