I am constantly wondering about things. My latest wonder is about being honest with yourself. I must be honest and tell you that I once again doubted google and did not really imagine that googling "being honest with yourself" was going to produce anything substansial. Well I am not afraid to tell you that I was ever so wrong. The amount of information out there about being honest with yourself was staggering. I learned so much and I am so glad that I finally googled it. I have been longing to understand who I am and what I really want. How can you identify your authentic self and your goals if you are constantly hanging out with deceiving yourself and denying yourself? Which I was doing :)
Have you ever looked out a dirty window? Don't those spots and smudges drive you crazy? Yesterday I was looking out my sliding glass door and noticing all the smudges, from the people I live with, pressing their faces up against the glass. For some reason I got the notion to deal with these smudges at that very moment. So I got the Windex and the paper towels and dealt the smudges an awful blow. Can I tell you how refreshing and amazing it felt to finish cleaning every inch of that sliding door and look out and realize how clear everything was? And then to wonder sadly why I had not noticed and done it sooner?
Clarity. What do you know about it? Clarity in terms of my window washing experience means the state of being clear or transparent. But another way to talk about clarity is to say:
"clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity."
Wait, go back, read it again...slowly...I do know what happens when there are a few 10 letter words and 14 letter words in a sentence :)
So clarity is freedom from doubt, something undefined, and something confusing and something uncertain. Boy, would I adore freedom from those things. Did you know that:
"Without the truth of who you really are and what you really want you can not have clarity in life and you can not achieve your dreams because you will not be able to have true direction."
Dude, I know!! Why did my kindergarten teacher, way back in the 70's, not sit me down with a little dixie cup full of apple juice and a napkin with a pile of goldfish on it and teach me this after nap time and before recess?
I have been so sad to realize this morning that I have spent a huge part of my life using Mr. Self Deception and Mr.Denial to avoid having to deal with issues about me, my circumstances with other people, or things from my past. And guess what ? Mr Self Deception and Mr. Denial have made it so I have been locked in a cycle of self sabotage and low self esteem.....(yeah, the more the merrier :) and that has blocked me into a place where I can not move forward and am stopped cold from living my dreams. I am so excited from my newfound knowledge I am bursting. I can not type fast enough. I want to call everyone I know. I want to discuss. I want steak :)
I want to find authentic Jennifer and be true to her. To be strong and able to know what I like and don't like and to express it in a loving but firm way. To not be afraid to do hard things. When you are dishonest with yourself you are saying you are not worthy enough and that you do not really deserve good things. I had a startling realization as I was reading all that google gave me to read that being honest simplifies your life. I could really use a simple life about now :) Not perfect life....I understand that that does not happen but simple.....ahhh that sounds so great.
So, most people are not honest with themselves and they go to a ton of work to avoid reality. I mean who wants to confront their fears and then never give in? The hugest reason we lie to ourselves is fear....hmmm I need to blog about fear tomorrow :) I mean facing my situations and confronting them does not sound very fun but repress, delude, and deny now that sounds so fun :) JK. Yeah, this being honest thing....are you loving reading this? :)