Aug 25, 2011

Do You Have It?

"I have confidence in sunshine. I have confidence in rain. I have confidence that spring will come again besides what you see I have confidence in me."

Can you see Julie Andrews, a suitcase in each hand, dancing down that oh so beautiful road somewhere in Austria, on her way to her nanny job for the seven Von Trapp children, singing her guts out about whether she has confidence or not? I deeply adore this song I am actually listening to it at this very minute and blogging at the same time :) Do not try this at home...it requires a huge amount of concentration :) Lately, having confidence has been on my mind way too much. I wish you could get confidence just by thinking about it. If that was the case I would currently have a ton of it and would be selling the excess to you for a tidy profit :)

If you have confidence you believe in yourself and not just yourself but your powers and your abilities. Did you know the opposite of confidence is mistrust? People who possess confidence have determination, assurance, resolution and certainty. The part that fascinates me the most is that if you have confidence you are not afraid to be who you are. Is Jennifer afraid to be who she is? I have been pondering this.

I know I was not afraid to be who I was when I was little. I mean you just have to look at my class pictures from those early years and how could you ever doubt my confidence? :) In one grade I am wearing a red ribbon tied oh so carefully around my neck...definitely had confidence then. What about the year I wore the pink dress with my blue running shoes? Yep, that screams confidence. Oh wait, we can not forget the year I wore the white and red knitted poncho...yeah, I could have written the book on confidence that year. Clearly I was who I was, none of that hiding who I truly was stuff for me. Now in case you think I think confidence means you wear out of the ordinary things in elementary school, actually, there are more reasons why I think I used to have confidence.....

I am sure it took confidence to hit a boy in the neighborhood with a big stick when he proposed playing doctor.....I did not care one bit what he thought of me and was not scared to stand for what I believed in...yes, I know I hit :)
It took confidence to try out for solos in choir in middle school
It took confidence to try out for student office over and over and over again.
I wonder if it was confidence I had when I told my sixth grade teacher how to organize the talent show never considering that I should not share my fabulous ideas :)
...editor of my sixth grade newspaper, running track, playing the piano, singing......I must have had a little bit of confidence to try all those things

Never once did the thought cross my mind that people would not like me....yes, it crosses my mind daily now...ugh :) I wonder where that confidence went? Knowing my luck it probably is in Greece and I will have to get a passport and lots of money to go find it :)

I am determined to locate my self confidence. According to what I have read that means that I have to first figure out where I am right now...where I want to go...get the right mindset for my journey... and apparently commit(yeah, we love that "C" word).

A confident person does not behave based on what other people think.
A confident person does not stay in their comfort zone afraid of failure and afraid of taking a risk
A confident person does not work hard to cover up mistakes and hope they can fix their problem before anyone notices.

I am forcing myself to have lots of quiet, alone time with myself so I can figure out confidence. Usually I fill the enormous void in my life with party after party and person after person. I seem to have a different perspective these days it is a little unlike me but I am pleasantly surprised at how empowering it is turning out to be. I have always admired people who could give themselves what they need and not need from other people. I want to have that quiet confidence.

To start my journey I made a list of things that would be outside my comfort zone and I am going to accomplish them all. I will not bore you with the entire list but the biggest one on the list is running a Ragnar Relay next spring. I think the running will really help my confidence. Since Seminary is starting soon my running time will be 4:30 or 5:00 in the evening everyday. My first goal is to be able to make it to Stanley Park and back and then I will add to that. This was a goal awhile ago but life just was to heavy for awhile there for me to accomplish anything but now I am back and very excited and determined to face this one.

So we can all start looking forward to the day that I can dance, and sing about my confidence, while swinging my suitcases down a lane in Austria just like Julie Andrews.


1 comment:

Kristy said...

You are amazing. Tough times build that confidence, you know.