Dec 25, 2011

Staying The Same? Not Me :)

Sigh...hey blog, I have missed you so. Please do not take it personal :) There is not a day that goes by that I do not long to pour out my entire heart to you, it would be amazingly therapeutic... I just know it. How do people survive by suppressing things and covering them up? :) You know I am an open book my dear blog and if I had not recently learned that being an open book tends to help you lose your friends I would have already told you oh so much. Because I do not really care what you know. Surely the fact that you know I am not perfect is enough.

 Christmas was today and as the day goes on and I have been wandering through the house gradually picking things up and assimilating the new stuff I find myself thinking ahead to what my goals for the new year will be. I also find my mind racing through the past year....a wedding, a missionary coming home, a missionary leaving, a serious earth shattering trial, and evil bunnies eating every single pea in my garden :) What can I do to improve and be different? Who wants to stay the same?

I long to run. I actually have started this goal already and it has 100% surprised me. I can not remember the last time I was able to run more than a mile without my legs feeling weak and my breath eluding me. So when I started out running a few weeks ago I fully expected to be feeling not so great about myself. But there I was plodding along ever so slowly with the goal to run as far as I could in 15 minutes and then turn around and come back. I fully expected to do some walking. But I never did. I ran the whole way and I felt so good. I wondered if this was the tender mercy I had been praying for for oh so long. Would that be weird for Heavenly Father to bless me with mad running skills? Who knows? I have been running for the last three weeks about 4 times a week. So far I have made it to three miles and now I am trying to do three miles in 30 minutes. I never imagined that I would use the word liberating in the same sentence as running. But it brings me so much joy to accomplish this everyday. I put my big old headphones on. I borrow Madeline's I-pod shuffle. I put on three shirts and a hat and sometimes even gloves since it is so cold. And I just run and run. Maybe if I keep running my problems will just give up and let me be. I am hoping that the end result of all this running will be running Ragnar in May but we will see. I am trying to wrap my brain around the possibility that extenuating circumstances may prevent me from running the Ragnar relay but hopefully, if necessary, I can find something else to fulfill this need I have and be okay with that.

I long to go back to school. I have decided I would absolutely love to be a nurse. I have a friend who is patiently guiding me through the, "getting back into school process." I am trying to not be afraid of this process and reassure myself that plenty of 43 year old mothers of seven go back to school. I looked through some math books at Barnes and Noble and realized that this going back to school thing is not going to be pretty. But I feel determined. I just need to make sure Mister determined and Mister Courage are on the same page :)

I long to be normal. But what is normal? After this year I have a lurking fear that I am not normal in anyway. I find myself frantically asking anyone who will I normal? And of course they say I am. But honestly what else could they say? :) I am not sure what sort of goal one sets so that they can become normal?:) Maybe I should Google "what is normal?" But maybe I am afraid of the answer :) I should probably set a goal to not be afraid, huh? :)

Funny, I feel better now that I have rambled here for a minute. Hopefully this will get me back into the blogging thing...I do have so many things I need to tell you about :)


My Many Coloured Days said...

Dear Jennifer, you should have a weekly column in my paper... then I would have a reason to buy the paper.

At any rate, I've missed you and your beautiful ramblings. I truly hope that you are normal, because we seem to be too much alike and I too have feared the absence of normalcy in my demeanor.

I think you are amazing and am so proud of your for accomplishing your running goals. As someone (but not a mother of 7) who has gone back to school, I think that running sounds even harder!

Happy New Year.

C Tam said...

Nooo, please do not be normal! I love you just as you are, peculiar girl!

Rebecca said...

Running makes everything better for me too - something about pounding the pavement that is good for the soul! Keep on truckin'.....