Feb 17, 2013

"I is Kind. I is Smart. I is Important."

Remember the time when you finally realized you can not make everyone happy? What about that time you realized you simply can not let other people have power over you? Where were you when you learned that grown ups can be mean? I had some silly notion that being mean magically ended when you left middle school. Were you 44 when you learned that there are some people no matter what you say will never, ever understand you? Oh, and then there was the sad sad day that you realized that there are some people you simply have to stay away from....yes, no matter what. I lived most of my life thinking I could win over those people and I took whatever meanness they dished out to me and subjected myself to their toxic-ness over and over and over again thinking it was the right thing to do and that I could change them and that I just misunderstood them and they surely did not mean what they said....um, they did :) I kept inviting them and reaching out to them and getting burned. Yeah, good times :) There ought to be a medal for this stuff :)

 I hate complicated relationships.  I want peace, love and I guess I can not leave out hippy beads :) I don't want to have to think about protecting myself all the time. I want to be who I am. I want people to be nice to my children and me because it is the right thing to do. I want to make sure I never cause pain to anyone. It makes me ache to think there is a possibility I have ever caused someone to cry with my words.

I think after years of slowly realizing that things simply do not work the way they do in my head I finally know with all my might that all that should matter is that Heavenly Father knows that Jennifer is doing her best. She is being true to herself and her values and treating others the way she knows he would want her to. I can't make you like me. I can't make you realize I am doing the very best I can at everything I do. No matter how big of a tantrum I throw I can't make you understand that I really do have very true, honest and kind intentions. Strangely you and I can definitely agree that I am SO not perfect :)

As incredibly painful as my learning curve has been I love that each time someone hurts me I realize I have become stronger. I get over it quicker. I deal with it in a more mature way :) As yucky as it may be it is a pretty awesome feeling to realize you are ever so slowly "getting it" Yes, I just may be growing up :)

I felt a little foolish and sad as I realized I had been giving so much time and energy to the mean people in my life that I had completely forgotten all the lovely, kind, unconditional people. How eternally grateful I am for them. I love these people and there are so many of them in my life. There they are being so patient with me as I learn what truly matters. They don't mind telling me the same thing over and over. They see my goodness. They pick up the phone when they see it's me :) They know how to say hard things in such a kind way that you know they genuinely want to help you and care about you :)

I was thinking about that little girl in the movie The Help and how her nanny taught her to say "I is kind. I is smart. I is important." All that seems to really matter is that we know these things without a doubt and then when people come into our lives who seem to need to insist that we are none of those things we can ignore them and not let their words devastate us.

Thanks for letting me use my blog to ramble today. I think it was mostly for me :) I wish I was using the space to tell you about a craft I made or something cute one of my kids said or some awesome vacation I went on. But I am instead using it to try to make sense of why people can't be nice. It seems so simple.


The Metzgers said...

You is kind, smart and important Jennifer and loads of people think so! :)

Nichole Roskelley said...

Nope, it was for me too. Thank you Momma Baird! :)

Adrienne said...

Thank you for this! I have had a very similar start to this thought in my head for a long time....it seemed to make so much more sense hearing it from you. I keep thinking I must be doing something good to have some fierce opposition! You must be too! I love reading your thoughts and glad we are related even though miles apart! Sending love from your cousin!