Jul 15, 2013

Demons.

Well, I should be organizing girls camp forms. Actually, I should be getting things together for the crafts at girls camp. Wait, I should be cleaning my house. Oh and there is my yard. Oh, drat how could I forget all those challenging and necessary relationships. The volunteering at the library. The teaching children right and wrong. The making sure others are okay and don't need anything. Whew, what a list.

Well today I just chose to abandon them all and move the blogging to the top of the list. I really shouldn't have but I am. I must tell you that every single day I write a blog in my little ol mind. I used to just write them here but I have to tell you a secret...I am afraid to write them here anymore. You know how you have some idea in your mind of who you are? What you represent. What your intentions are? What you mean when you say something? Yeah all those notions I had about Jennifer Ann Ord Baird have been rocked a little. I had me in a little happy, nice, kind, good to others, outgoing, friendly, helpful, occasionally funny, frizzy hair, big nose category. And I had blissfully been enjoying that category. But in the past few years things so many things have been said, so many realizations made, so many relationships bombed....that....well.... I am re-grouping.....re-configuring...re-struggling....re-wondering.....all this "re-ing" is hard and it may take me awhile to figure out everything. I thought I was friendly. I thought I was kind. I thought I was good. I thought I was Christian. I thought I was so many things but comments have surfaced over and over that made me wonder do I really know me? How could I have lived in this bubble of peace and love all my life and not realized there was another me? Am I the good person I thought I was? What am I missing? What do people see that I don't? And every time I put any part of myself out there I get eaten alive so I have been hiding in every way possible. No courage here my friends :)

I affectionately refer to all these thoughts and notions as my demons. I am assuming we all have them. I innocently thought I would be "fun" to put a picture of a demon on my blog but when I went to google images and checked out demons...lets just say they are some very ugly dudes :) It was weird to think for a minute about those thoughts I have looking like those images did. Thankfully, I have not had to meet my demon thoughts that are persistently tormenting me :) They are my adorable trial in life. My struggle.They are my jabberwocky. Remember my post about fighting the jabberwocky way back in February of 2012? Just in case here is the link to it..it is actually one of my better posts you should check it out :)   "Muchness" and jabberwockies.  But I have to say that the sad part is when I pulled this post up and re-read it I realized I have not come very far in my determination to fight the jabberwocky and in the finding of my "muchness." If I had found my "muchness" the demons would be farther away and have less power over me. I would be blogging without fear at least three times a week. Not worrying about what a handful of people think they know about me.....ugh, is this as painful for you as it is for me. Sigh, that is what I get for living out loud :) admit it you enjoy it :)

So here is to demons and "muchness." I knew writing would help me focus....it always does. Sorry it probably just confused you more and made you have more questions. But my blog is for me. I love that you are here but the writing is my love and I have missed it so.

4 comments:

Ackerman/Mejias Family said...

Well, my friend, I appreciate you!
Thank you, thank you!

My Many Coloured Days said...

I can completely empathize with this post. Write on dear friend, if only for YOU!

C Tam said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only person who feels this realization. I've been so WORRIED lately that I am actually doing lots of mean, anti-social, harmful things to people I love. Wondering if I have what it takes to be a good friend. But reading your post makes me feel like probably those thoughts I've had are just 2% reality and 98%...demons.

Jill Sorenson said...

I love you! Love all your writings because they make me think and feel and are full of the wonder of life. I think you are blessed to think and feel a little deeper than most of us, and maybe that scares some people. Oh well. I LOVE what you have to say, and often ponder your interpretations and how they fit into my experiences and my life.