Feb 16, 2014

What Have You Lost Lately?

Some people lose their car keys. Some people lose their homework. Some people lose someone they love. Some people lose weight. Some people lose their library books. Some people lose their minds. Some people lose the dvd that goes inside the silly but necessary case. I have lost things before. I really, really hate losing things. It haunts you as you wonder where what you lost went and how on earth it happened. And then there is all the adjusting to being without what you lost. And accepting that you really did lose it. All very icky stuff :)

The first thing I remember losing in my life was my favorite CTR ring when I was about 8 years old. It was too big for me and flew off my ring finger when I was throwing a ball outside in my yard in Sedro Woolley, Washington. The minute I lost it I said a prayer to Heavenly Father asking him if he would help me find it and he did. I walked right to a clump of bushes in the front yard and there it was under the bush. I have always joked around that whenever I have lost something that was the one prayer of mine that Heavenly Father always answered. Honestly he has always been awesome at answering my prayers about lost things :) There was the time in Lawrence, Kansas when my kids lost a cd that belonged to the library and I prayed to find it and lo and behold I went to my girls bedroom and felt like I should look in their dresser drawers and it had fallen in one of them. I will not bore you with all the other stories but trust me there are others :)

As most of you know I am currently losing my marriage. Yes, I have prayed to find it with all my might for many years. Just in case you were wondering :) I do hope it is not too awkward for you that I am occasionally talking about it but maybe if I bring it up it will help you feel more comfortable around me. Maybe if I bring it up you will know what to say to me. Maybe if I bring it up you will not be afraid to be my friend. Maybe, maybe, maybe :)

I went to a presentation on loss a few nights ago. It was a very interesting presentation that got my mind going and going and going....never, ever a good thing :)The amazing person that was presenting this topic had lost a son six years ago. So her experience with loss was very different from my experience with loss. I have yet to lose someone close to me due to death. I was surprised as I sat there and listened to her and realized how many different forms of loss there are in all of our lives. Loss of jobs. Loss of friends. Loss of marriage. Loss of a scholarship you really wanted. Loss of innocence. Loss of a boyfriend. Loss of a relationship. Loss of a cat. Loss of a tooth. I do not think I understood that no matter what we lose we all go through a grieving process. I had so many ah ha moments on this topic as I listened to this lady talk it was hard for me to sit still. I have this need to burst when I discover things :) It made so many things I have been through in the past four years make sense. I thought something was really wrong with me as I have watched myself struggle and now I realize it was and is grieving that is seeming to make me a little crazy :)

When she talked about how after experiencing a loss you would never be the same person you were before the loss I wanted to jump up in front of the room of 50 or so women, and exclaim excitedly, " Yeah, I know. I am still Jennifer but I am different... there is a subdued-ness in me that was never there before." But I restrained myself and kept my exciting revelation in my head :)

So here is to loss. And what it is teaching me in so many stinkin ways. I am grateful for loss. It is not fun to be alone but I am grateful for what I am becoming because of it. It is not fun to wander through those five grieving steps...denial, anger,bargaining, depression and acceptance. And to make it more fun no one goes straight through the steps and it is different for everyone and I even hear that years down the road I will hear a song by Blue October, or eat a clementine, or see a blue M&M and strangely find myself sobbing....yeah, good times :)


3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Jenn, I love these glimpses into your amazing mind....All my love to you and Brian. I am so glad to count you both as my good friends. Trust in the Lord and it will all be okay.

Kevin

Marty C. said...

If I saw you, I would say hi or maybe aloha. How did you know I lost my car key? I have been looking for it for over a month. It is a fancy #$250 flip key to our new car. Cary mainly drives it because I like my old car. The back window is bigger and I can see our the back easier. Did you know you do a lot of backing up in Hawaii? I've prayed, my family has prayed, and we even added it as one of the things we fasted for at the beginning of February. Our prayers have been answered and the answer it either not yet or just plain no you will not remember where it is or find it. I haven't giving up faith or hope. I still believe. It will be okay if I don't ever find it - I mean it is only money.

I am sorry for your struggles and your loss. I am glad you are writing and sharing your feelings, you are not alone. I use to think others had perfect lives, but as you get older and wiser you learn no one is exempt. Big hug.

C Tam said...

Such beautiful thoughts as always. I saw the spanish elders at stake conference last week and asked them about hermana Baird. They had seen her the day before. Said she was great, a real hard working sister. But of course we all know that already. :)