Jun 4, 2014

Awww Thanks For Asking.

My life right now? At this very minute? Are you sure you want to know? You do? Oh I love you for asking. No, no one else has really asked. Yeah, I know asking someone about how their divorce is going is so awkward but what a good, kind blogging rectangle you are for asking...honestly, you must be the best blogging rectangle I have ever had. You have been so patient with me over the past 43 days as I have turned to you and started a blog only to delete it and post nothing....leaving you empty. Sometimes a girl just does not know what to say about her life and sometimes she just has so much to say about her life that she worries about saying anything. Did you get that? :)

So honestly how am I? I have a pretty awesome peaceful, solid feeling that has been with me since last September when I made this very difficult decision so I honestly, and deep down I am A-okay. But there are days that waves crash over that peaceful solid feeling and try with all their might to toss me around. It is like I am a.. breakwater....breaking the force of the waves... solid and steady I am... but the waves are still trying to move me.

Waves like Mother's Day. Whew....hardest day ever. How on earth could a mom who has asked for a divorce and changed her children's lives forever possibly have a good Mother's Day? I made myself some Angel Food cake and cut up some strawberries and I can not for the life of me remember what I cooked for dinner. I did way too much crying. And fought a lot of guilt. I tried really hard to focus on thinking about my awesome mom and all the amazing women in my life rather than trying to make the day all about me :) It was hard. As mom's our identities are often all tied up in our kids. I have a kid that is struggling beyond belief right now and that made my chances of getting through Mother's Day unscathed even smaller.

Speaking of this child of mine that is another relentless and huge wave in my life right now. He is making choices in his life that are closing doors and windows to the future so fast I can not keep up. Not to sound too cheesy and Hallmark-y but I used to be this child's best friend. I sat up with him night after night when he was a baby. He had miserable allergies and would scratch his skin until he bled profusely. I sat with him in the children's hospital in Kansas City for a week when he was a baby. Took him to doctor after doctor. Fought for him at school with the teachers. Tried so hard to help him find something he was good at. And now I can't reach him. Everyone tells me I have done all I can and he has to make his own choices. Or they remind me about Cain and Abel or other scriptural instances of wayward kids. I appreciate all of their words and know they are right but nothing has yet taken away the sense of failure I feel over this child. What could I have done differently? Why am I his mom? What makes me the one able to handle this? I know there is always hope but there is no denying this is mucho painful.

When I was a kid I was playing in the ocean in San Clemente, California with my friend Sally and a  huge wave started to form. Sally knew better and dove right through the middle of the yet to break wave. Me? Yeah, frozen with fear. That wave tumbled me ALL the way to shore. I still have scars on the sides of my body to prove it. I have never been a play in the waves kind of girl. I love watching them and deeply respect their power but none of that laying on the sand waiting for one to move me.

I am still not good at diving right through that smooth just breaking part of the wave. I seem to always get caught in the already broken, tumbling, angry part of the wave the part that rearranges your swimsuit in an embarrassing manner. The part that pushes your hair into ways you never dreamed it could go. The one that tries to knock you over.

The other waves in my life right now are small but constant. I can not decide which is worse. Big, crashing, one every 15 minutes, over quick waves or that small, never ending, one a minute, chain of waves.....

Newly married children figuring out life, their money, and relationships.
 A house not selling.
Twenty five years of stuff to sort through and unload.
 Where to go.
How to get there
 Moving people that resist moving.
Worrying about the effects of the choice I have made on those around me.
 Longing for someone to understand.
Wondering what support feels like.
 Figuring out how to get rid of a chicken coop and chickens.
Leaving behind a cat.
 Two children who are missionaries who do not know where to come home from their missions to.
Friend who literally carried me through the past three years moving away.
 An uncooperative bathroom scale
Needing a connection
 Healthy families all around me

  Don't get me wrong I am grateful. I am stunned by how much I have learned and how different I am because of these waves. I am going to be one smooth, good looking rock when this is over.


Lucy said...

I like that last line... a great looking rock... That's going to stick with me a couple days at least, thanks! (and I do care about how you are doing!)

C Tam said...

I'm glad you blogged. I have wondered and am full of hopeful, inspired feelings after reading your words. One of your most beautiful posts yet, to me. Have I mentioned 12 step yet to you? I have had a family member (okay, 2 family members) have some issues that sent my mom and me going to the church support groups. I am getting a lot out of working the manual study guide and the meetings always bring me a great feeling of being able to let go of other people's problems and be empowered to know what my issues are and then just focus on fixing myself. I'm sorry Mothers day was hard for you. I pray a lot too, that my own shortcomings won't have eternal consequences for the people impacted by me.

Melissa said...

Catching up on some blog reading- this was beautiful. I have always admired you and continue to. You write beautifully and you already are one amazing rock! :)

Kristy said...

Oh, darling Jennifer. I know how hard this has been and continues to be for you. Don't forget how many of us are out here who love you and are excited to see what life brings you next. XO - KM