Jul 4, 2014

Where? What? How?

So it is 8:47 in the morning on the fourth of July in New England. The rumor is it is supposed to rain all day so everything we had planned today has been cancelled which has drastically changed the pace of the day. I decided since everyone is still sleeping it would be a good morning to reply to all the Facebook messages I have received since my last blog post. It has been overwhelming and has stunned me how many of you have sent me messages telling me;

What you have seen and know about me
Telling me about the trials similar to mine that have happened in your lives
Telling me what you know without a doubt about my abilities.

 Messages from people I knew in Princeton. Messages from people I knew in Kansas. Messages from people I knew in Indiana. And even messages from dear friends who knew me in high school. All the messages have meant so much to me. I am so grateful to all of you who have felt a prompting to reach out to me and followed through with that prompting. I realized as I was slowly replying to all these messages that everyone else who is discovering my news most likely has the same questions that these people are having. That makes sense...I mean when someone is going through a hard time you wonder how they are and what is going on....so spoiler alert....if a few details about my life will make you feel uncomfortable or freak you out you really do not need read on. And I promise to blog about the chipmunks in my garden next time.

Most of you know I am very comfortable over sharing about my life. Even though I have been burned several times doing so I still do it because just maybe there is a chance that knowing I am real and have a struggles will help you. We tend to think everyone around us has perfect lives. I have been SO grateful for the people in my life who have over shared with me about their not so perfect lives you see, what they have learned and how they have got through their hard times has strengthened me so much. Besides I need to document this so that years from now when those adorable future ancestors of mine are wondering why their Great Grandma Jenny made the choices she did that affected so many lives they can find this blog and at least have the correct info :)

So I had three things happen in my life over the past ten years that slowly opened my eyes to some things that were going on in my marriage. These things scared me and two of them I did not understand how they happened. The third one was out of my control but affected my life immensely. I started going to counseling because I needed to figure things out and as usually happens with counseling I started to make realizations and to see things more clearly. As I reached out and made feeble attempts to change things around me nothing changed. Last year we finally went to couples counseling for several months and that combined with trips by myself to the temple and lots of prayer led me to get an answer that I could never deny. After years of not knowing and struggling and having NO peace all of a sudden peace flooded into my life. It was so amazing. I knew that even though this was going to be the hardest thing I would ever do it was what was right for me. And as time has progressed from that day last September in the Boston Temple I have had this constant, solid, peaceful feeling. Sometimes I try to find drama and it will not come anymore...thankfully. I am so grateful for the incredibly hard things in my life that forced me to turn to my heavenly father like I never had before. This gift of peace and solidness has been amazing. I can not see the future but I have this assurance that there is a loving heavenly father who knows me and my kids and even that darn husband and he cares about us and wants all of us to be happy.

So I told my husband of my decision in October. I told the children by two's oldest to youngest starting in November. By Thanksgiving all of my children knew and my immediate family knew and Brians immediate family knew. The ninth of December was when I decided I needed to start letting other people know because I was now attending a different ward/church congregation than my husband. Divorce is a hard thing to announce. I was embarrassed because I had failed at something and now had to announce I had failed. I did not know who really would even care. So I ended up in a sort of thoughtful but also random way choosing about 40 of my Facebook friends from different parts of my past to send a group message to. I really did not know the best way to do this and I want you to know that if you did not get that message last December from me please do not think it does not mean I do not care about you. I just over thought who would really care about my news and some of you I was just too embarrassed to tell because your opinion of me meant a lot to me. And some of you I did not know you cared about me. I just hoped that the people I told would help spread the news. Because I would rather you share it than me :) Is that weird that I am begging you to please gossip about me? :)

Messages poured into my message box. Almost every single person I sent the message to sent me a note in some form or another. It overwhelmed me the support and confidence in me that was reflected back to me. I had not expected that in any way. I had not known that all these people had been watching me throughout the years and understood and saw what had been going on and had a view of me.

So it has been a long slow process since last October. Required divorce classes. Adding an attorney to my contacts in my phone. Reading lots of articles about faith. Trying to help my kids understand something they may never understand. Making decisions. Getting jobs. Praying my guts out.

So as of today July 4 this is where my life is....just know it is constantly morphing :)

 On August 4th Tatiana, Natalie, and I are getting on a train and heading for my parents house in Cottage Grove, Oregon.This was a hard decision. I LOVE New England. I love my newly acquired jobs at the libraries here.


Brian's bindery bought another bindery in Georgia and he may end up moving there.
Our house has not sold and may not for awhile and we have all been awkwardly living in the same house for all this time and the only way I can leave is to go to my parents....long story.
I also realized my girls need me to not be working as they work though all of this.
I need to take advantage of the support that I thankfully have from my parents.
I will be closer to my kids at college in Utah
And honestly, I can not make a new start here in Massachusetts....too many memories and guck. Yes, guck is real :)

As for the other kids. They are all doing remarkably well or at least they are faking it well :) Zach and Piret and Makeia are in Estonia. Zach is starting his Masters degree program at the University in Tallin and is working at the University. Madeline and Carlos have been living with us this summer since Madeline had a guaranteed job at Brian's bindery. They will head back to BYU in September so she can finish her genetics degree. Miriam will be home from her mission in the Philippines in October and then she will head back to BYUI. Amanda is on her mission in California. Joe will stay with Brian because Brian can guarantee him a job. The little girls will come with me. The cat needs a home and so do the chickens :)

So now you know more about my life than you ever dreamed you could know. So sorry to do that to you. Do not worry about me I am the best I have ever been in a gazillion years. I am just hanging out figuring who I am...learning about how strong I actually am and conquering all kinds of fears.....good times :)


Smilin' sunshine said...

I will miss you!!!!! But will keep you in my prayers that you will be happy!

partypatt said...

Such and interesting and thoughtful post. Thank you for it. So many people are going through similar trials that I think it will help many. I hope you find a peaceful home in Oregon for the time being and can make decisions from there. We live fairly close to BYU (Lehi) so if you ever need to come stay with us when you visit your kids there let me know (because there is a slight possibility of my mother coming to live with us). I'm so grateful we've remained in touch and wish you nothing but the best. Brian too. I'm sure this has been terribly hard on all. Hope you find homes for the chickens and the cat. :) Take care.

mom/diane said...

You are amazing. Hang in. Too bad you are taking the train. It would have been good to see you and give you a hug.

Jennifer Whitcomb said...


You're amazing.

Melissa said...

Thanks for the update. A train ride across the country sounds like an adventure! Glad you have loving arms to welcome you in Oregon. You are facing hard things with faith and I know you will be blessed.