Oct 8, 2014

Realizing.

Drat. It all started last weekend on my,thoughtfully planned, "be alone in Port Townsend," girl trip. That is the whole problem with being alone, admiring breathtaking views, riding on ferry boats, eating jelly bellies, uninterrupted shopping, and having uninterrupted hours in the car, things start. So what exactly started?

Well, it was......comprehending....grasping....understanding clearly.... basically it was realizing...that's what started. We all do an enormous amount of realizing in our lives. Sometimes it is realizing something good and sometimes it is realizing something bad. Either way realizing always means you have graduated to being accountable for knowing something. It means you have to act. I hate that part. And I am here to tell you that no matter how hard you try not to act on what you realize it will lurk about waiting for action. Trust me I am an expert at pushing poor realizing down and trying to smother it with a pillow. I probably have a certificate somewhere declaring me the avoider of acting on realizations champion.

I have become so much better at acting on my realizations lately that I had hoped I would get a small break. But no. I think I actually opened the realization floodgates. They are coming at rapid speed. And I do not want to play with them. They require brave Jennifer.

Some of these realizations are small like realizing I should have bought that book I saw in that adorable little store in Port Townsend. Even if it was $25.00. It was this book called All Things Alice: The Wit, Wisdom, and Wonderland of Lewis Carroll by Linda Sunshine. It was a beautiful book. I took it off the shelf, I held it, and I looked through it for way too long. It was filled with all things Alice...beautiful illustrations and every fabulous quote that any Alice in Wonderland lover could ever want. I could not justify spending the money on myself so I left it and realize now that I should not have ever left it.

Other realizations are medium realizations. These are ones like realizing you forgot the importance of only eating one helping of whatever you eat. Oh, and realizing that you need to remember to write down when you spend money that one is medium also. And probably realizing it is yet again Sunday and you forgot to fix the hem in your favorite brown corduroy dress could also fall in this category.

Then there are the big realizations. I do not know about you but for me these usually involve relationships. Realizing what they are. Realizing they are broken. Realizing you have been played....my personal favorite...if we are picking favorite realizations :) Realizing they are not healthy. Realizing you really have no one to blame but yourself....maybe my second favorite :) Oh and what about realizing you were not a priority?

I think this is the part where I throw a tantrum about gosh, darn realizations and then having to do something about what I have realized. I do not want to have courage. I do not want to be brave. I do not want to do the right thing. I want to do the wrong thing. I am laying on the floor kicking my feet....can you tell? I do not want to do hard things. I do not want to learn one more things about myself that they say is going to make me better. I just want to eat steak....with someone who loves me for me. Weird...where did that some from? :)

Okay, my tantrum is over...I am laying on the floor in fetal position but I am done kicking. I know I have to endure to the end. I know I can make whatever choices I want and I honestly do want to make the right ones so here I go back to doing hard things. But was it not fun to eat some steak and do nothing for a few minutes? Or was that seconds?

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