Mar 29, 2018

Going In Circles

Why do I love airports?

 I am sitting in Seattle airport waiting for my flight back to Boise. I found this very cozy seat. It is a lime green color, it is the length of a pretty decent sized couch but it snakes around, like a bunch of S's all hooked together and where ever the seat curves there is a seat. The sides of the seating are up to the height of my shoulders and I fit perfectly in the provided space. If I look just over my left shoulder there is a guy in a flannel shirt right next to me. I peeked to see what he was reading since I could, and it is some dramatic book with a character named El. The lady in the next curve of the couch is talking on her phone. I may have listened in for a minute. I am way too early to go sit at my gate and I am meeting my daughter Amanda here so I am sitting outside a booth selling very colorful macaroons called "Macaroons and Mischief." I wonder what sort of mischief macaroon eaters could get into? There are all sorts of people walking by where I am. I am trying to focus on my blogging but I can catch bits of their conversations as they walk past. I look at them all and I wonder about their lives. 
Where are they traveling to?
Where have they been?
Does someone love them?
Did I book one of their tickets for them?
Is one of them someone who called me to try to switch seats?
Is that one running one that I assured that he had enough time to get to his next flight?

Some have crying kids. Some are moving fast. Some are moving slow. Every kind of person imaginable. It makes me feel lonely. They all seem to have someone.
I wonder if they see me watching them?
I wonder if they are watching me?
Wondering what I am writing on my computer?
Can they tell I have a feeling of pensive sadness with no obvious cause?

I love my trips to Seattle. I have not been back here in 15 months. But emotionally they drain me. I always try to choose a few old friends to connect with when I come. Sometimes it is Erin. Sometimes it is Loretta. Sometimes, Mr. Castro. Other times it is Shelley. Once I tried to let a group of high school friends know I was coming thinking people would surely come meet me and hang out...but yeah that did not turn out the way I imagined it would, a little embarrassing. This time I managed to see Loretta and Mr.Castro. I love reconnecting. I am not sure why I love that these people have known me so many years. There is something comforting in a friendship that has existed forever. Something comforting about a perspective from someone who knew me when I was 16 and now when I am almost 49.

As I drove to all the familiar places that I always go to on these trips it got me thinking about circles. I am not particularly fond of circles. Well, I guess I never met a donut, snowball, or cookie that I did not like. And roundabouts are very useful. But oh how I hate the feeling of going in circles. Whether it is one of those playground merry go rounds, or a road, or a relationship they make me feel nauseous literally and figuratively. Have you ever been stuck in a circle? You cannot break out? The same thing keeps happening over and over and you are not sure how to stop it? Sometimes we are stuck in a circle on our own. Sometimes we are stuck in a circle with someone else. You want to move forward. You want to know what is ahead but no matter what you try you find things looping back around again. Sting sings this great song that I heard years ago about circles called Windmills In My Mind. Check out the lyrics and then go check it out on YouTube. The song is very mesmerizing.

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel

Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel

Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own

Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving in a half forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble someone tosses in a stream
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Keys that jingle in your pocket, words that jangle in your head

Why did summer go so quickly, was it something that you said?
Lovers walking along a shore and leave their footprints in the sand
Is the sound of distant drumming just the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway and the fragment of a song
Half remembered names and faces, but to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over you were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning to the color of her hair!
Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
As the images unwind, like the circles that you find 
In the windmills of your mind!

I know all about circles in your mind. I am pretty sure I wrote the book. I wonder if Sting got the idea for his song from me? Even as I read his lyrics I find my mind going in circles around the words analyzing what they mean. At least windmills have a purpose as they go around and around. One definition of a circle is to move all the way around someone or something especially more than once, another that is equally disheartening is to move in a wide loop back to ones starting point. Who likes to go back to the starting point? I want to move forward. Just gotta find the strength to break off on a tangent :) And to convince the peeps in some of my circles with me to have the courage to do the same.

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